The Fateful First Entry

So I'm sitting at my computer. It's 9:03 PM, Monday night. I really can't figure out how to write an inspirational first entry...I'm doing this in hopes that maybe I can find a pattern in my days and find out what makes me act the way I do.

Because lately, I really don't like who I am.

I just out out of CAS care, after living in START Boy's Home for four and a half months. I'm now living back with my mom, who, after about three years of fighting and bitterness, decided she didn't want me in her life for a little while.

The entire time I was living in CAS care, I thought that getting out would solve all my problems. I loathed START Boy's Home. I liked it for about the first two weeks, because I was away from my mom. But after that, once the newness wore off, it just started to slowly suck. I felt like I was being treated like I was five. I would leave every day without permission, and would be called in AWOL (missing). I started cutting myself. I lost 30 pounds. (Well, that's not really a bad thing) I slowly began to hate my life in every possible way. I skipped school daily. I started smoking.

And life slowly got worse and worse. But eventually, I figured out that compared to the alternatives, living with my mom wasn't even really all that bad. So I stopped AWOLing. I stopped cutting. I did what I was told, (mostly) tried to behave, and just looked forward to getting out. And it worked. I got out on September 10th. Again, for my first two weeks, it was great. But then my mom slowly started turning into this person she used to be. Snapping at everything. Not letting anything go. Not letting me live my life. I thought maybe she understoood. I'm 16. I can be responsible enough for more than she gives me credit.

Now, I guess, things are going okay on the home front. I'm surving. But the problem is, I'm letting out all my frustration the wrong way. I'm drunk every weekend, stoned all week, every day. I'm snapping at my friends and fighting with them. There's drama everywhere. It doesn't help that my female friends' monthly visits seems to fall on consecutive weeks, so every week I have another friend pissed off at me. I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of apologizing, and I'm sick of feeling like an asshole.

Sandra is confusing the fuck out of me. One minute we'll be fine, the next, she'll snap at me and tell me not to talk to her for something simple as saying something back to her as she said to me. Today, for example.

__sandra says:
You piss people off. I'm sick of how you treat me.

- chris_french;; says:
Yeah, well, you piss people off too, probably just as much as I do.

__sandra says:
No, I piss YOU off. You just assume I piss everyone else off, too.
Don't bother coming over.

Wow, classic case of what goes around comes around. And yet she can dish it out...but she can't take it?

I love how she can tell me everything that's wrong with me, and yet when I point out a single flaw of hers, she screams at me not to talk to her, or blocks me, ect, ect.

Oh, that's another thing. I'm gonna do my best not to trash talk in this blog...but I'm a rather angry person, so it might happen more than I mean it to, often times.

The only thing I'm looking forward to right now is the Stratford trip on Thursday. I miss school all day to shop and watch professional theatre...and then Friday's a PD day, and I'm supposed to get stoned with Tricia.

I really wish I had gotten a job a long time ago, because now I owe my mom $80 because she paid for the trip. (She's my parent...shouldn't she do things like that without making me pay her back?) I owe Lyall (stepdad) $115 for a trip he paid for last year (again, should I really have to pay back my parents?) I owe my friend's friend $40, because he gave me free mush, but only $9 worth...then, he ran away from the Boy's Home, and his library books got packed and locked up with the rest of his stuff, so apparently the library fines are my fault? But I really don't need beef, so I was just gonna give him the damn money, but then he transfered my debt to him to his friend, because he owed his friend money. Then I owe my stepmom back for some money she's lent me here and there...so in short, I'm not gonna have any spending money until about my third paycheque.

The whole money issue really sucks, because it means I can't really afford to go out on dates...even though there's not much dateable material in this shit city, I can't even ask the ones that are half decent out because I can't pay for anything. And I really do want a boyfriend. I'm hopeless romantic. (Oh yeah, and I'm gay...but if you know me you should already know that...and if you don't know me, then you're creepin' on my blog, I guess)

So I suppose that that's a good enough rant for now...I'm off to go practice for my next vocals class solo...I'm doing Home by Chris Daughtry, I do believe, but I must pick and then practice. Ta ta for now.